Why First-Generation Adults Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries

If you grew up in a first-generation family, setting boundaries can feel much harder than people make it sound. According to World Population Review, 99 countries are collectivist societies. These countries prioritize interdependency and overall group well-being over personal goals. These values are necessary for these countries due to American industrialization and extortion of resources.

Unconsciously, the collectivist values are carried in first-generation households, which is why you receive messages as “family comes first” and “don’t be selfish". For many first-generation adults, guilt is often connected to family expectations, cultural values, and the sacrifices made by previous generations.

What we often label as ‘guilt’ may actually be loyalty, responsibility, or desire to honor the family sacrifices.

This can be confusing when you’re growing up in an individualist society because logically we can’t put others’ needs before our own due to circumstances of survival, but emotionally we are tied to returning the sacrifices that were previously made. Thus, you are navigating two different value systems.

At times we know what we need: space, fewer responsibilities, the ability to say no without explaining yourself.
Other times we might have difficulty knowing what we need since we are only told or taught what we need.

As a result, many people find themselves constantly saying yes when they want to say no. They become the problem solvers, the caretakers, or the person everyone relies on. Which can lead to emotional exhaustion, resentment, anxiety, and burnout.
A boundary is not a punishment. A boundary is not something others have to uphold too. A boundary is not rejection. A boundary is information about yourself and what you can realistically give without losing yourself in the process. A boundary is something you uphold for yourself to have the ability to say “I took care of myself”.
Setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first because it challenges old patterns, and you may receive repercussions for attempting to challenge the pattern. This feeling of discomfort, blame, or shame does not mean you did something wrong. It means you are learning a new way to relate to others while taking care of yourself. One way to get comfortable with the discomfort is to be uncomfortable.
Personally, I don’t like the word boundary since visually I imagine it to be a wall or a border. I don’t think the goal is complete separation from others. Human beings need connection, community, and relationship. Instead, I like to imagine it as a door that can be opened, closed, or left slightly cracked depending on how I am feeling that given day. It allows you to decide who enters, how long they stay, and what you are willing to share.

As a therapist, I get told: “I can’t do that; they will get upset”. The unfortunate reality is yes, people may become upset. They have a right to feel that way. It’s on them and how they decide to utilize or express that emotion. If the goal in life is to please everyone, why aren’t you included? If your goal is to keep everyone happy, when do you make room for yourself? If everyone else’s needs matter, why wouldn’t yours?

If you find yourself struggling with guilt, people-pleasing, or the pressure of family expectations, therapy can provide a space to explore where these patterns come from and how to create healthier relationships without abandoning your values.

I offer bilingual English and Spanish therapy for teens and adults throughout California. Together, we can explore the balance between showing up for others and showing up for yourself.